If Every MLB Team Was a Pop Punk Song: AL East (written in 2021)
- Ben Blotner
- Nov 9
- 3 min read
A fun little series I did a few years ago back on my old blog. Let's see how well these takes have aged and give myself a grade for each one :)
Those who know me well will say, “This is the most Ben Blotner project that will ever be done.”
Tampa Bay Rays: “Young and Menace” by Fall Out Boy
The Rays are new-age, unconventional, experimental, and not everyone likes the way they do things. This polarizing Fall Out Boy track is new-age, unconventional, experimental, and not everyone likes it. However, the Rays play great baseball and the song sounds great, in my opinion. Also, some of the Rays’ newer stars like Wander Franco and Randy Arozarena can certainly be considered “Young and Menace.”
Most Poignant Lyrics (MPL): “We’ve gone way too fast for way too long/And we were never supposed to make it half this far.”
Verdict: The Rays have fallen off the last couple years, Arozarena is now a Mariner, and Franco ... yikes. Otherwise, still fairly accurate. Grade: B
Boston Red Sox: “Thriller” by Fall Out Boy
The lesser known song entitled “Thriller” is all about Fall Out Boy’s rise to success and thanking the fans for sticking with them through thick and thin. Red Sox fans can relate, as I am one of them. We lived through a couple of difficult years, including a miserable 2020, but the boys are back and as exciting as ever. I’m happy to have stuck around, and I’m happy to draw a parallel between my favorite team and my favorite band.
MPL: “Last summer we took threes across the board/But by fall, we were a cover story, ‘Now in stores!’”
Verdict: The past few years of .500ish slop certainly didn't continue the momentum of that great 2021, but the up-and-down 2025 season ended in a playoff spot and ultimately a similar feeling that once again evokes this song. Grade: A (good timing)
New York Yankees: “London Beckoned Songs About Money Written by Machines” by Panic! at the Disco
This classic Panic! banger fits right in with the narrative that has surrounded the Yankees in recent years. The spotlight was on Panic! when they first burst onto the scene, putting their every action under a microscope from their record label and the media. This has perpetually been the case for the boys in the Bronx, with the media growing increasingly impatient and critical as their World Series “drought” stretches on. Also, the words “money” and “machines” definitely go with the Yankee vibe.
MPL: “Stop stalling, make a name for yourself/Boy, you better put that pen to paper, charm your way out/If you talk, you better walk, you better back your shit up/With more than good hooks when we’re all under the gun.”
Verdict: Ah yes, the glorious tradition of the Yankees choking in October has only continued, as they reached their first Series since '09 only to bungle it away. The brutality of the fans and media has only intensified. Grade: A+ (as relevant as ever)
Toronto Blue Jays: “The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage” by Panic! at the Disco
Staying with old Panic! songs from the A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out era, the band’s first ever track pairs nicely with the up-and-coming Blue Jays. It’s all about the group coming onto the scene and trying to make a good first impression, imploring their fans to stay with them as they know great success is in the near future. The Jays are also ready to make a splash soon with a young, talented core, perhaps winning that one extra game to get them into the postseason.
MPL: “Swear to shake it up if you swear to listen/Oh, we’re still so young, desperate for attention.”
Verdict: Ah, the bittersweet irony of having willed the Jays to win that one extra game. They took a roundabout way to get there, but they did finally fulfill their promise of going far before that diabolical, gut-wrenching Game 7. The song doesn't really apply to them anymore, but the sentiment was accurate enough. Grade: A-
Baltimore Orioles: “Born to Lose” by Zebrahead
Come on, you don’t really need me to explain this one, do you?
MPL: “‘Cause I’ve got a bad reputation/Born to lose in a dying generation/Whoa-oh, I’m lost in translation/I can’t win ‘cause I was born to lose.”
Verdict: The hopeless Birds turned things around surprisingly quickly, skyrocketing to the top of baseball for a brief moment before plummeting back to their losing ways in '25. Another roundaboutly accurate success, as they still haven't won a playoff game since '14.
Grade: B+
Photo Creds:
Team Logos: MLB
“Young and Menace”: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8431238/
“London Beckoned Songs About Money Written By Machines”:
“The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage”: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Only_Difference_Between_Martyrdom_and_Suicide_Is_Press_Coverage
“Born to Lose”: https://genius.com/Zebrahead-born-to-lose-lyrics
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